冬至

这个冬至
早上是那么的热
而晚上则是个下个倾盆大雨
和我此刻的心情多么的符合

别人一家人围在一起吃饭，谈天
而我在家里上网看戏
每个人都准备要出门去了
而我还在电脑面前打东打西
这就是我家
没有什么温暖的家

不想回家！

什么时候一个人会不想回家呢？

就是当那个家不再温暖的时候。

曾经，我是多么的渴望快点回家

现在，我多么奢望可以离开这里，回到金宝的房间里。

房间里再孤独，再怎么寂寞，也比在家里好很多很多

至少在那里不用听到一堆烦人的话

不用看见烦人的事

阿姨好像疯了的一样

三不五时就骂人，念人

明明就是偏心，为了他宠爱的孩子做出一大堆无聊的事

还否认。

被别人说中了还像个泼妇一样

以为表姐会好一点

还不是一样

除了管她的男朋友外

谁还存在着？

这个家是疯了

我好想好想去一个正常一点的地方

我好希望好希望我的另一半可以快点出现

带我离开这疯了的世界！

超挫败的一天。。。

今天一大清早起床， 煮了一锅粥，吃的非常开心，以为会有美好的一天。
但是怎么知道会是这样的一天

一进到课室才知道有考试，什么都没有准备的情况去考试，靠得不知所措
过后又有实验的考试，不知为什么好像什么都做错

我觉得我真的很笨很笨很笨，笨死了
笨的比猪还要笨
yoii，你可不可以不要这么笨啊？？

我真是一个笨蛋！！

有时候， 我觉得自己好笨好笨
一直被同样一个人一件事给伤害着
同样的人伤害了我一次又一次
我却还一直期待着他会有所改变
变得在乎我一点
但结论是，他没变，一点也没变
依然对我不要不紧

什么时候我可以再也不在乎他呢？？

one month in UTAR

it has been already one month plus i am in utar
at first i was so sad
i wanted to go home whenever im bored
i miss home
but after one month i already fall in love with the life here
go to class with yurry every morning
have dinner with yurry n liyi every night
everyday were so happy
full of joy
full with laughters

i already cant think bot graduating
i dun feel like graduating and go to work
the life of study is incredible!!

daddy, i miss u.. BADLY!!

it has been 11 years ago since i last seen u

many people already forgot how you looked like

but to me, i never forgot.

never. never.. 

even though you left when  was only 9

i try not to think of you

but now when i am here in kampar

and watching a real show named where are we going, daddy.

i realised how warm it is when they have a father

how alone i am when i do not have 

they are so sweet when they are together

their fathers being so nice to them 

and i dont have any of these memories with me

im jealous

i wanted someone to hug me like them

i dont care i am already 20

i wan to be a child n cuddle on daddy

daddy, i miss you

i miss you

i miss you

i want you to come back to me..

i want you

i need you..

today....

today, is a great day.. 

the first class is ok, but a bit boring

the lecturer named alicia, and she is a pretty lady.. hoo~~~

the second class was taught by a male lecturer.

his class was super bored. wish he is not lecturing on important subject..

the funniest part of today is when i was having a quiz in the lecture class today

i didnt know how to do the questions given

so i asked yurry who sat beside me

n yurry asked snow who sat next to her

so we started discussing

where the whole class do the quiz quietly

and i pretended to be concentrating on the quiz whenever the lecturer glimpsed at us

so we are like forever discussing

and the lecturer do not know who is talking

and we were laughing like mad after the quiz

we told yurry something that i kept to myself for so so so long

which i never even told anybody on earth

i told the sad feelings were gone after so long

but i still feel sad when i say it out loud

now i realized what kind of person i am

my hurts in the heart are not fully healed

just that i can forget it

when i touch it , it still hurts

Uni LiFe

studied in UTAR for about a month ed..
from the beginning when i eat alone, walk alone, travel from class to class alone
to now someone is here to be with me almost all the time
we go to class together
we have almost every meal
we play the same social game named imvu
we even agreed to stick together for assignment groups next sem
i am so so so glad to have someone to be with me
so i am no longer alone
and no longer b lost whenever i am confuse
and i did have fun with them
i love my uni life

assignments and tests and exams are overwhelming
but i am still not in my full study mood
test is coming after 3 hours
but i am here to blog
maybe you will say i already have the confident to score this test
but i cant be certain before i see the paper right?
so what do i do now is,
stop blogging
and go to study now

bye..
i love uni life
if can get a bf will e even better!!

First day of class in utar,,

First day of class here, and I'm afraid I can't cope with it,

I had a computer system and application class this morning and I already worried about it .

Literally, I can't see a single word on the screen and the lecturer talked so soft that I almost ignore it to the background music..

Shit. Damn it..

I knew a friend named xue zhen here, she is someone who is very careful about everything she handles. 

She double checks and double confirm with every info. 

Yet, I found out myself is so so careless..

God, please help me.. I just wanna cope with this uni life.

I wish I can see well... 

Female...

I read a research just now 

A researcher named Alice domar believes that a woman friendship is very important. Without woman companionship, a woman is less susceptible to illness such as colds to cancer.

This shows how important friendship is to a woman,

And I already understand that,

Just that I don't know it also affects our health,

In my life, I can never stay away from friends, 

I need friends to be by my side so that I won't be alone

I need friends so that I can laugh happier because I know they are here

I need friends so that we share all the ups and downs together.

I need friends so that I can smile at every little things we did

I need Friends because I can't live without them

If my friends lied to me, I will tell them goodbye

If my friends are being loyal to me, I will be by their side whenever I can

If my friends betray me, I will leave them aside 

If my friends love me, I will love them ever more...

My friend told me one thing, don't expect what a friend can gives you after you give them something,

Because after you give, you will feel great,

Giving is better than accepting

And surprise will appear when you don't expect. 

迷

迷了路

在一个无边无际的森林里

找不到出路

没有人帮助

着急

愤怒

谁把我留在此处？

让我无依又无助。

探索

省悟

原来是执着

困我在此处

欲逃

不逃

想逃却逃不了

想留也留不了

放下

解脱

留下了

也脱离了。

yoii 随笔

How am I going to get what i want?

Everybody in this world has a dream

We have an image in our mind about what we want when we grow up

How the dream house look like

How my dream man be like

How my life go on. 

The image change day after day.

As we know more and more about this world.

But there is one thing that never change in my image of my dream

To be rich

Perhaps my family member are realistic. 

So I know how important money is since young. 

You got money, you got power, you got everything,

As simple as ABC

When I was young, I was thinking

When I grow up I will find a prince who is rich

And get married 

And I will be rich,

Dream come true!!

When I grew up

I know we can't rely fully on anyone on the earth

Because we might get abandoned or betrayed by them.

And everything are gone

So how?

Idea? Of course I do have some.

First, get into university and graduate 

How will I get rich when I have to work for my whole life?

Dream not going to come true...

Plan B

Work and save money

Open a cafe and be the boss

Sounds good..

But risky...

Plan C

Get a rich man and get married.

Like my naive image of dream when I was young

More risky

I prefer plan C

Perhaps I love adventuring.... Exciting...

But I'm doing plan A now.

Since I haven't found a guy to get married to,

Will my dream come true?

Will my life just follow my plan A and my dream does not come true?

This is something the 49 years old me can answer

If I am still alive by that time 

Without any accident

 

I wanted to get out!!

If there is a chance I can choose whether I will live the life I had now.
I will choose NO. No second thought. Not even need to consider,
Why would I say yes? Why should I say yes to this sucks life?

Doubtlessly, there were some beautiful amazing things had happened in my life.
But there are more sad and hateful things and people were around me.
And the sad part made most of my life.
How can I love my life?

My dad passed away when I was 9. I know he loves my mum ,but they fought a lot.
Sometimes I think how will I be if my dad didn't pass away that early??
I will be like my cousins.
Having branded stuffs, got money to use even though not very rich
But will my parents get divorced?
And if they did, who will I be?
No idea.

I am raised up by my aunt. Her family was a happy family when she was rich. But no longer.
Because of money, they quarrel and fight. From time to time.
This problem solved and another problem raised.
Problems come nonstop.
Now I know And believe
Money is the root of all evil...

My mum, she is good, kind. But her ability is low too.
The money she earned is just enough for herself.
Money is the basic of life,
How can I rely fully on her?

Myself, a failure too.
Having eyesight problem.
Optic nerve cells are weak.
So my eyesight I worse than the normal people.
I can't have my driving license.
Not a big problem. But a big trouble.
My hearing is also not as good.
And I suspect there is something wrong with my brain.
I forget things fast.

So, after all of these, I don't want to be me if I do have a choice.
But I don't have a choice, so
I can only
Only live with these,

i am pregnant....

i was pregnant.
every body around me were talking about me.
"yoii is pregnant in this age, she is just 20. will she continue her study? or just be a housewife at home?"
"my sister is pregnant. oh my goodness. wasted my hope on her. i thought she can be a success woman in our family."
" she said she will not make a mistake like her cousin does. and now?" she teased.
i heard all of these, even though they were whispering.
i smiled. but i felt more embarrassed. i shouldn't be here. i wanted to go back.
back to the hug of someone i love.

"yoii, it is ok. no need to care what they said." my mum said.
i wanted to cry. badly.
i wanted to escape.


suddenly, i felt him.
the one i loved.
"dear, i'm sorry. i am late."
love, relief,and happiness back to me.
" it is ok."
i know, no matter wht they said.
i have no regret 
because i love him
and he loved me.
i will do this for him
i can survive their tease
because the one who is inside me is made up of love of me and him
i will do anything for he and my baby.


i woke up with a smile
and it is just a dream.
i could not see his face.
i knew it is a silly dream.
but i wanted to share it.

desperate or timid?

sometimes i really thought of committing suicide because of all the problems that around me..
is the God love me too much and gave me so many challenges so i am tough?
or is He would like to fool with me?
i do not know. what i know is there are crazy amount of problems arAound me.

first and foremost, my eyesight problem.
due to a defective gene that passed down to me, my eyesight is not as good as usual people.
i cannot see well at all time. i have to rely on people to see what i actually should see but couldn't
so i cannot get my driving license and this makes a lot of troubles in this city,
my dream car was gone because what is the use of a dream car when you  cannot drive?
i had a dream about this before. dreaming that finally i can get my dream car but i cant drive it..
i woke up crying..

secondly, my family problem.
damn a lot of problem.as deep as ocean as many as the grass on earth.
problem among the family members, they fight from time to time.
never ending, never stop/
again and again. 

who is going to help me? am i going to success in this life? or am i going to fail and be a normal person?