迷

迷了路

在一个无边无际的森林里

找不到出路

没有人帮助

着急

愤怒

谁把我留在此处？

让我无依又无助。

探索

省悟

原来是执着

困我在此处

欲逃

不逃

想逃却逃不了

想留也留不了

放下

解脱

留下了

也脱离了。

yoii 随笔

How am I going to get what i want?

Everybody in this world has a dream

We have an image in our mind about what we want when we grow up

How the dream house look like

How my dream man be like

How my life go on. 

The image change day after day.

As we know more and more about this world.

But there is one thing that never change in my image of my dream

To be rich

Perhaps my family member are realistic. 

So I know how important money is since young. 

You got money, you got power, you got everything,

As simple as ABC

When I was young, I was thinking

When I grow up I will find a prince who is rich

And get married 

And I will be rich,

Dream come true!!

When I grew up

I know we can't rely fully on anyone on the earth

Because we might get abandoned or betrayed by them.

And everything are gone

So how?

Idea? Of course I do have some.

First, get into university and graduate 

How will I get rich when I have to work for my whole life?

Dream not going to come true...

Plan B

Work and save money

Open a cafe and be the boss

Sounds good..

But risky...

Plan C

Get a rich man and get married.

Like my naive image of dream when I was young

More risky

I prefer plan C

Perhaps I love adventuring.... Exciting...

But I'm doing plan A now.

Since I haven't found a guy to get married to,

Will my dream come true?

Will my life just follow my plan A and my dream does not come true?

This is something the 49 years old me can answer

If I am still alive by that time 

Without any accident

 

I wanted to get out!!

If there is a chance I can choose whether I will live the life I had now.
I will choose NO. No second thought. Not even need to consider,
Why would I say yes? Why should I say yes to this sucks life?

Doubtlessly, there were some beautiful amazing things had happened in my life.
But there are more sad and hateful things and people were around me.
And the sad part made most of my life.
How can I love my life?

My dad passed away when I was 9. I know he loves my mum ,but they fought a lot.
Sometimes I think how will I be if my dad didn't pass away that early??
I will be like my cousins.
Having branded stuffs, got money to use even though not very rich
But will my parents get divorced?
And if they did, who will I be?
No idea.

I am raised up by my aunt. Her family was a happy family when she was rich. But no longer.
Because of money, they quarrel and fight. From time to time.
This problem solved and another problem raised.
Problems come nonstop.
Now I know And believe
Money is the root of all evil...

My mum, she is good, kind. But her ability is low too.
The money she earned is just enough for herself.
Money is the basic of life,
How can I rely fully on her?

Myself, a failure too.
Having eyesight problem.
Optic nerve cells are weak.
So my eyesight I worse than the normal people.
I can't have my driving license.
Not a big problem. But a big trouble.
My hearing is also not as good.
And I suspect there is something wrong with my brain.
I forget things fast.

So, after all of these, I don't want to be me if I do have a choice.
But I don't have a choice, so
I can only
Only live with these,

i am pregnant....

i was pregnant.
every body around me were talking about me.
"yoii is pregnant in this age, she is just 20. will she continue her study? or just be a housewife at home?"
"my sister is pregnant. oh my goodness. wasted my hope on her. i thought she can be a success woman in our family."
" she said she will not make a mistake like her cousin does. and now?" she teased.
i heard all of these, even though they were whispering.
i smiled. but i felt more embarrassed. i shouldn't be here. i wanted to go back.
back to the hug of someone i love.

"yoii, it is ok. no need to care what they said." my mum said.
i wanted to cry. badly.
i wanted to escape.


suddenly, i felt him.
the one i loved.
"dear, i'm sorry. i am late."
love, relief,and happiness back to me.
" it is ok."
i know, no matter wht they said.
i have no regret 
because i love him
and he loved me.
i will do this for him
i can survive their tease
because the one who is inside me is made up of love of me and him
i will do anything for he and my baby.


i woke up with a smile
and it is just a dream.
i could not see his face.
i knew it is a silly dream.
but i wanted to share it.

desperate or timid?

sometimes i really thought of committing suicide because of all the problems that around me..
is the God love me too much and gave me so many challenges so i am tough?
or is He would like to fool with me?
i do not know. what i know is there are crazy amount of problems arAound me.

first and foremost, my eyesight problem.
due to a defective gene that passed down to me, my eyesight is not as good as usual people.
i cannot see well at all time. i have to rely on people to see what i actually should see but couldn't
so i cannot get my driving license and this makes a lot of troubles in this city,
my dream car was gone because what is the use of a dream car when you  cannot drive?
i had a dream about this before. dreaming that finally i can get my dream car but i cant drive it..
i woke up crying..

secondly, my family problem.
damn a lot of problem.as deep as ocean as many as the grass on earth.
problem among the family members, they fight from time to time.
never ending, never stop/
again and again. 

who is going to help me? am i going to success in this life? or am i going to fail and be a normal person?